did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
