a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
