The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
