So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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