why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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