Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
