On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
