Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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