Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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