we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
