mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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