i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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