im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
