you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
