If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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