4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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