So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
