I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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