So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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