Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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