I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he thought i was a dude.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
