our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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