bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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