i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
