Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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