Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
