watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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