woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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