Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
