drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
