It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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