Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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