If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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