Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
