Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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