just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
