i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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