I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
