My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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