he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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