My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
