need another drink. this is the easiest way
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
