I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
