I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i will never coherently bang her
This house was built for laser tag.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
