Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
