Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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