Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
