the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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