Just took my morning after pill in the library
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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