I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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