I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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