last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
