what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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